I luv u mom …

Whenever I was down, you always could know it already somehow. Even though I was rude, I wanted solitude, you never left me alone. You loved me so much, even though I never thanked you for that ever. Even though I never realize how powerful your love was that it provided me all the strength that I needed to stand and face the challenges that life poses, now when I am away, so far off, I am terribly missing you. Your love never had any conditions or expectations; it was just pure love … so much of it.

I hate myself for not valuing it. I hate myself for all the indifference that I ever showed to you. I am guilty of being ignorant. I love you mom and I am missing you terribly :( ………..

Something's missing ......

And here I land again now, at the United States, tired of the long journey, indifferent and uncomfortable - indifferent to my beloved job which strangely was the primary purpose of the visit and uncomfortable because ‘something’ important was left back home; ‘something’ that should have been with me; ‘something’  that has never been away, never alone, never with anybody else. But what this ‘something’ was? was the query that haunted, the answer to which was unbelievable - unbelievable because it was distinct to my persona. It was a no-brainer. I just cannot have had entered that forbidden zone – that’s just not me. But then, I have had my share of stints in life that were either humbling experiences or beautiful surprises for me. This one I guess was the epitome of the ‘highs’. Nothing so beautiful had ever happened … but then the pain. Such a stark contrast over the emotions of being happy of losing ‘something’ that has never been away, amazing to say the least is this experience. But then there was unrest because that ‘something’ was left back home. And of course that ‘something’ was with me till the sky turned November this year. And I was so sure of everything previously – happily married to my job, working hard and with the sole focus on the professional whims going forward.

This November, ‘someone’ came in and disturbed the equilibrium, changed all the equations and distracted me from my beloved vocation and most importantly took that ‘something’ away. But then how could I allow this to happen to me, is the question worth a trillion bucks. Trillion dollar question indeed – and further I could ridicule anyone with the fact that even after losing that ‘something’ special to that ‘someone’ special I was overjoyed. Losing ‘something’ – overjoyed – getting away – disturbed, disheartened and distracted. The only surety with these emotions was that of being confused.

But then, now that I am here 14k kilometers away from my special ‘something’ with that special ‘someone’, I was uncomfortable. And, while I have reached this home, away from home here, I was about to pay for my ride from the airport, I checked my pocket on the left-hand-side of my shirt and felt warmth and moistness on my hand – it was my blood.

My ‘heart’ was missing from its place … and hence the sweet pain.

Main kabhi yeh keheta nahi ....

‘You better take … (loss of voice, soreness) … good care of yourself. Be very cautious of your health and …’ she couldn’t actually control the dizziness in the voice and the soreness of the vocal cords because. All I could do was to keep nodding, I had lost the count of the number of times she had repeated her instructions now. She would just not get tired of it and do it every time without fail.

‘It is just a matter of six months and then I will be back.  What’s the big deal?’

She waited, smiled and said ‘You would know it when you will be a father. Then I will see if you will consider it as a big deal or what.’ I could not say anything, just had to keep quite.

My mum is not very fond of us (me and bro) getting away. She hates my job which might demand extended stays away and sometimes even abroad. Every time when I use to leave, she will be ready with her instructions and gushy see-offs. And I do not like them one bit. I hate when she cries, especially on these occasions as I feel that I am making her cry. This makes me feel bad, more so because it prompts me of the fact that I would really not be around in person for her. On top of that, I cannot express this explicitly which aggravates the pain further.

While it was already the time to leave, we both did not realize that. In fact it seemed that the cruel clock was sprinting in the sheer fun of seeing me getting parted of my mum. While, no doubt, that she was crying, I also strangely experienced some blurred vision. I touched my eyes and felt the chilliness around with the swift breeze rubbing over my tears ….  

Mum … I too am scared of darkness … (par andhere se darta hu main maa).

The smell of dying bachelorhood …

Though I could perceive that mundane aggressive writings can be a little agonizing in certain circumstances, but had never experienced anything for real until recently this my very own blog caused a little ‘sweet’ trouble.

Though I would hate revealing this; and it’s just against the self-claimed and undocumented rules of blogging, I will have to – for that there has been a request raised via my personal ‘Right To Information’ propaganda from within. So here I declare that,

Whatever have I written till date – published or unpublished content – anything or everything that exists on this blog – is utter fiction / fake / unreal / imagination / ghetto / creatively invented / imaginary content which is not related directly to any living or non living entity that existed ever.

I know that this could actually kill all my efforts that have ever been put in to inculcate a notion that my writings are natural and true to divinity every time, but I have no option whatsoever. Also, I will not skip to mention this critical fact that this entry / post is the only exception to the claimed statement.

What concerns me, however, is not the fact that I have broken this unsung rule, but why did I broke it? What has changed all of a sudden that’s causing this aberration? A close introspection reveals that something is troubling the monotony in my life. Something is in grave danger now of getting extinct!! And that precisely is causing a lot of things to behave unnaturally. My beloved ‘Informatica’ and ‘SQL Server’ are not fascinating me anymore, which is scary. Surprisingly, I am eating less, degraded interest in - hanging around with pals; watching some exiting cricket match underway etal. Also at the same time I have developed a few bad habits like ‘texting’ while working, skipping voluntary business calls etc. The cause for all this possibly is the tiring bachelorhood.

The irony – I am not sure if anything can be done to fix this aberration; I am not sure if I am liking this or otherwise. Utter confusion as ever …. wish me solace.